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A Demonicopossessiology Seminar Most Informative, with the Mysterious but Beguiling Professor Doctor Milady
NOTE: JIS at the end again. NOTE: Snark aside, the following segments of notes form a guideline, and aren't to be adhered to exactly. Edit as you please. Introduction to Doctor Professor Milady Dr. Emma: I just edited yet another twenty seconeds of the latest episode, so I believe it's time you fixed me yet another sammich, Non-Doctor Joe. This time I'll take seeded brandied mustard with my smoked roo, thanks. Non-Doctor Joe: Yes, Dr. Emma, anything, Dr. Emma. Your four degrees in getting made a sanmmich ology make me feel just as awed and insignficant as that sweltering summer night you picked me up off the streets of Calcutta. Dr. Emma: And now you don't even need anymore injections of paralysis serum to understand your proper place, Non-Doctor! Non-Doctor Joe: robotically Yaaaaaaaay Dr. Professor Milady: Hold it right there! Dr. Emma: Someone DARES challenge a DOCTOR!? Dr. Professor Milady: You may be a certified doctor, but I'm a certified doctor professor!! Dr. Emma: NOOO! I'm just a doctor and a mere lecturer, not a doctor professor! I can feel my credentials shriveling inside of me!! Attack, Non-Doctor Joe! Non-Doctor Joe: Her power over me... weakening... Where did you receive your ''credentials, Doctor Professor Milady? Dr. Professor Milady: I've earned tons of degrees, from my certification with the prestigious American Association of Exorcists, to my having attended HUNDREDS of colleges that offer diplomas of all sizes and shapes, both online AND in Florida! Dr. Emma: NOT FLORIDA!! Non-Doctor Joe: Finally, I'm free! It's like Milady has broken a curse over my heart, like she's exorcised a demon from my very soul! Dr. Professor Milady: That's ''Doctor Professor, to you, devil boy. Why do you think I freed you? You'll be a perfect research specimen for my Demonicopossessiology lab. Mere Dr. Emma, some paralyzing serum please? Dr. Emma: Wait......gotta finish my sammich (talks while eating) A Refresher Course 'What is a demon?' A demon is a supernatural, often malevolent being . In Ancient Near Eastern religions as well as in the Abrahamic traditions, a demon is considered an unclean spirit, more specifically an evil angel, which may cause demonic possession, that requires an exorcism to expel the demon t . In some traditions, a demon is a spiritual entity that may be conjured and controlled. Originally the ancient Greek word for “demon” did not have any evil connotations at all. It was only when it came to Judeo-Christian writings that the word came to be associated with malevolence. Typical – leave it up to the Bible bashers to turn something innocent into EVIL. Apples, demons, figs......where does it end? There are multiple, multiple classifications of demons, based on things like what they do, in which month they are most powerful, where they come from etc. One version by Binsfeld describes one demon (or Prince of Hell) for each deadly sin: *Lucifer: pride *Mammon: greed *Asmodeus: lust *Leviathan: envy *Beelzebub: gluttony *Satan: wrath *Belphegor: sloth[4] Now THAT is a party I wanna be invited to. Just quietly, Beelzebub and Belphegor have a pretty strong hold on me right now. And, is it a coincidence that AAAASSSSmodeus is the one who tempts us with lust? I think not. During the 16th century, it was believed that each demon had more strength to accomplish his mission during a particular month. The classification of demons by month seems to have astrological implications more than religious ones. It’s Thammuz’s turn in September (when we recorded this), so let’s see what havoc he is gonna wreakfor us. Tamuz was the name of a Sumerian god of food and vegetation. So, it seems this is the guy who posseses you’re mum and makes her bang on about eating your veges and forces her to withhold desert until you do so. Well, fuck you Thammuz. I’m having lasagne for dinner, NO VEGES, and a Magnum afterwards. EAT IT! In the soon to be October, it’s Baal’s turn to get nasty. Let me just say that I hope you enjoyed Septmber, seeing Baal is a bad ass high ranking demonic piece of work. You don’t want someone referred to as the King of Hell with 66 legions of demons under his command fucking up your October. Question: does this mean that it’s a different demon that possesses me for one week every month, or the same one? I’m confused……. There are also other demons like the ones that cause storms, ones that have powers of war and devastation, one that tempts men with cruelty and mercilessness toward the poor, and even one that tempts men with arrogance and women to be vain, raise their children as wantons, and gossip during mass (I wonder whether the raising kids as wontons has anything to do with Tammuz….). Anyway, if you’re possessed, it could be by one or several of these demons. If you’re not sure which one it is, in between your head turning around 360 degrees and masturbating with a crucifix, Google it and find out who your new friend is. Exorcism So, Exorcism is the act of driving out, or warding off, demons, or evil spirits, from persons, places, or things, which are, or are believed to be, possessed or infested by them, or are liable to become victims or instruments of their malice (how the fuck do you call that one?. “Hey you, drunk person, you look ripe for the demonic picking…..get your arse over here”). Alternatively, exorcism can also be the means employed for this purpose, especially the solemn and authoritative adjuration of the demon, in the name of God, or of any higher power to which he is subject. Hang on……I may have read that wrong but that could be taken to mean there is a higher power than God. Is it Superman? The word exorcism, which is not itself biblical, is derived from a Greek word, which is used in the Septuagint (Gen. xxiv, 3 = cause to swear; III (I) Kings xxii, 16 = adjure) and in Matthew. The term occurs in Acts xix, 13, where it is applied in plural form to certain strolling Jews who professed to be able to cast out demons. In Christian usage, this adjuration is in the name of God or of Christ, exorcism is a strictly religious act or rite. But in ethnic religions, and even among the Jewish people from the time when there is evidence of its being in vogue, exorcism as an act of religion is largely replaced by the use of mere magical and superstitious means, to which non-Catholic writers at the present day sometimes quite unfairly assimilate Christian exorcism. Superstition ought not to be confounded with religion, however much their history may be interwoven, nor magic, however white it may be, with a legitimate religious rite. The base superstitious foibles of the human mind Belief in demons and demonic possession stems from the dawn of civilization, from beyond the dawn of history even, as one might have guessed. It's one of the most basic kernels of supersitition, our brain's overeagerness to ascribe random events to agency: it wasn't a random earthquake without any appreciable purpose, it happened because an invisible evil spirit want to visit suffering upon the meek, or maybe it was a righteous act of punishment delivered by a just god (or scantily clad women). Couple this with humanity's capacity for imagination, pattern recognition, fear of the unknown, perpetuation of memes and its haste to shunt blame away from themselves, and it becomes easy to see why demons still skip about today. The psychology behind possession Obviously, mental illness and other medical and psychological consditions have been chalked up to or mistaken for demonic possession for millennia. Some of the most common hallucinations of people with psychotic breaks happen to be angels and demons. Communal reinforcement clearly plays some part in the universality of demons, but the possession delusion seems to be tied on a more fundamental level with MPD/ Dissociative Personality Disorder in particular. They've even coined terms to describe this odd phenomenon, including "demonomania" and "demonopathy" (lol at "hystero-demonopathy"). A Google search for demonomania turns up countless pages of metal, which I really should have expected. Some conditions such as epilepsy, Tourettes Syndrome and Huntington's Disease that may involve involuntary grunting, screeching and movements were also often interpreted as posession (in fact, I have a journal article in my office recounting a relatively recent case where a person who was labelled as posessed by their family was eventually diagosed with Huntington's). Here's a psychological whatsit I'd never heard of: counter-transference. Quoth an interesting article comparing psychotherapy to exorcism in form: "Psychotherapy, like exorcism, commonly consists of a prolonged, pitched, demanding, soul-wrenching, sometimes tedious bitter battle royale with the patient's diabolically obdurate emotional "demons," at times waged over the course of years or even decades rather than weeks or months, and not necessarily always with consummate success. And there is now growing recognition--not only by psychoanalytic practitioners--of the very real risks and dangers of psychic infection inherent also in the practice of psychotherapy. Counter-transference is what we technically call this treacherous psychological phenomenon, which can cause the psychotherapist to suffer disturbing, subjective symptoms during the treatment process--sometimes even as the patient progresses!" Doesn't that kind of explain the idea of demons hopping from one host to the next? There is also a recognised term called "compassion fatigue", where people in helping professions begin to feel the distress of the people they are working with. Traits that probably helped us survive when we were ''less evolved or had yet to develop lnguage (such as our mirror neurons mimicking others' facial expressions and empathy that prompted us to care for otherwise burdensome sick or injured relatives) may help to explain why this happens. You must admit, it's pretty hard to feel joyful when you see someone else suffering (unless you are a psycho path, or the other person just killed your family in front of your eyes). Finally, it should be noted that people in the midst of psychotic breaks are hypersuggestible, which would explain why many exorcism rituals would seem to work, and why those exorcism rituals oftentimes need to be repeated over and over again to affect the demonomaniac. That doesn't, however, explain shit like speaking in tongues, random stigmata or super strength, so there remain some mysteries to crack! Zoroastrianism Most everything we think of today as an attribute of monotheistic religion is rooted in Zoroastrianism, but the most salient point here is the idea of ritual purity, which meshes with the idea of demonic possession. Also, we've apparently got these weird proto-exorcisms in Zoroastrianism, which is cool. Quoth: “The closest analogy to exorcism in the early Zoroastrian literature is a reference to the followers of the Wise Lord (Ahura Mazda) as the 'expellers of fury,' where 'fury' is thought to be Aeshma, the only demon mentioned by name in the Gathas. However, this is still unlike the Christian accounts of demonic possession in which a demon invades the host’s body and must be cast out to restore the body to its natural and healthy state. The difference lies in the nature of choice that is associated with Zoroastrian dualism. A person who allies himself with evil is not necessarily a victim of it from whom malevolent influence must be driven out; instead, he is seen to voluntarily involve himself with evil. (p. 40) The 'expulsion' of demons was more an attempt to destroy those who sided themselves with evil than remove evil influence." So these "expellers of fury" are more face-stomping than today's exorcists. Christianity Jesus tours the land to heal people, presumably not with kicks to the face Within Christianity, it's entirely from the New Testament that the whole demonic possession idea comes from. I guess the demons started multiplying like bunnies around that era, because yeesh was Jesus working up a sweat banishing the damn things. Reading the passages, it gets to the point where you swear the next person to get a demon poked out of him will have just been crying over their jock itch. Every malady from leprosy to deafness is cured instantly with Jesus' gentle juju jab. For example, take this from Matthew 17:15-18: Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water. And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him. Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me. And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. It was an obvious possession, even for before 65 A.D. By contrast, in John, there was a persistent band of Jews who kept calling for Jesus' head, accusing him of being possessed. I'd be skeptical if I were them; whoever heard of a demon who advocated extreme charity? Well, maybe Jesus' demon just really, really hated commerce and money in general, given the moneylender beatdown, but still. Jesus: "Whoa dudes, you can call me a horrid sinful being infested with demons, but don't call me a ''Samaritan. Ewww. ''Don't make me turn my cheek back at you!!" Maybe that band of Jews wanted Jesus dead because he kept kicking people in the face. http://christiannews.net/uk-official-seeks-to-ban-appearance-of-face-kicking-faith-healer/ The strange story of the demon named Legion and the Gadarene Swine Oh, and I guess Jesus kept kosher because he couldn't just ward off the demons of "Legion" into the ether, no, when given the chance with the Gadarene swine, he shoved those demons into TWO THOUSAND of the poor hogs and just herded them off into a frickin' lake to DROWN. That must have been one morbid year for the fish in that lake. More accurately, if you sit down and read the scriptures, Legion actually begged Jesus to send him into the pigs, perhaps because Legion wanted to go out with a good porking. In any case, Jesus granted the demon's request basically immediately, without even a shrug of the shoulders. There's being meek and mild, Jesus, and then there's just appeasement and laziness. Jeebus must have gotten that "Just do whatever Satan wants" trait from his dad, Job style. Those silly Catholics with their holy water guns I kid; the Catholic Church is way advanced when it comes to exorcisms than tons of Protestant goober preachers are. They actually check to see whether the afflicted is just faking it or is mentally ill, before committing to exorcising, you know, ''real demons. You'd think the demons' first priority wouldn't be verisimilitude. That's an interesting distinction made by the Catholics - so you can not be possessed if you are mentally ill? I guess thry are mutually exclusive. Demons are kinda elitist it seems - they only choose sound minds to possess. And, if you start faking it, they're outta there. Fun fact! The Archbishop of Calcutta, Henry Sebastian D'Souza, says he ordered a priest to perform an exorcism on Mother Teresa shortly before she died in 1997 because he thought she was being attacked by the devil. That was around when Mother Teresa began writing about her nagging doubt. Tales of Modern Demonicopossession Events Evidently, there has been a vast increase in exorcism requests in recent times, to the point where there's genuine worry that there's not enough trained priests to meet demand (there are only around a dozen or so official, qualified exorcists in America currently). There's even an International Association of Exorcists, with a membershiup of over 200. Requested and performed exorcisms occurred rarely until the latter half of the 20th century where the public saw a sharp rise due to the media attention exorcisms were getting. We can probably pinpoint the influence of The Exorcist, the movie, as the primary cause. Ems: BTW, I loooove that movie. It's so dark and freaky. Funny story about it though. One day when I was at Uni, we were in the pub having a few beers and for some reason started talking about the movie "The Exorcist". There's that famous scene where the demon says to the priest "Your mother sucks cocks in hell", but one of my fellow students was a little off his tits and retold it as "Your mother cuts socks in hell". Not quite the same impact there. There's a psychiatrist named M. Scott Peck who, after studying possession, became convinced it was genuine and even tried to get "Evil" added into the DSM. We will proooobably be taking a more skeptical viewpoint than Dr. Peck, awesome name notwithstanding. The skeptical viewpoint meaning, open-mindedly not committing to any position per se, but also recognizing that extraordinary claims do indeed require extraordinary evidence. There's little doubt that exorcisms can be more harmful than intended. For example, Pentecostal ministers in San Francisco pummeled a woman to death in 1995, as they tried to drive out her demons. In 2001, a 37-year old woman, Joanna Lee, was strangled to death in an exorcism by a Korean church minister working in New Zealand. The minister, Luke Lee, was found guilty of manslaughter. Let's talk about Anneliese Michel An infamous case if ever there was one. Diagnosed as an epileptic at age 16, a year later (1973) she slipped into hallucinations that told her she'd rot in hell. After drugs didn't diminish her depression, she came to believe she was possessed and acted it out, hissing at holy relics and such. She'd even see "devil faces" pop out at her. Poor thing. After a short pilgrimage where Michel found herself refusing to cross the path of a crucifix, 67 exorcism sessions----one or two each week, lasting up to four hours----were performed over a span of about ten months. At some point, Michel began talking increasingly about dying to atone for the wayward youth of the day and the apostate priests of the modern church, and she refused to eat. At her own request, doctors were no longer being consulted. She died in her home from all the semi-starvation of the exorcism rites, weighing 68 pounds/31 kilos. Jesus. The case really blew up when the state impeached her parents and the priests for neglectful homicide (the prosecution asked for the parents to be recused, since they'd "suffered enough"). Soon enough, the trial was a media circus. The defense played tapes recorded at the exorcism sessions, sometimes featuring what was claimed to be “demons arguing”, as proof that Michel was indeed possessed. Both priests presented their deeply held conviction that she was possessed and that she was finally freed by exorcism just before she died. Ultimately, the accused were found guilty of manslaughter resulting from negligence and were sentenced to six months in jail (which was later suspended) and three years of probation. Before the trial, the parents asked the authorities for permission to exhume the remains of their daughter. Their request came after receiving a message from a Carmelite nun from the district of Allgäu in southern Bavaria. The nun told the parents that she had a vision of their daughter’s still-intact body and that the vision authenticated the supernatural character of the daughter's case. The official reason presented by the parents to authorities was that Michel had been buried in undue hurry in a cheap coffin. Almost two years after the burial, on 25 February 1978, her remains were replaced in a new oak coffin lined with tin. By all accounts, Anneliese had been a normal, healthy, happy girl before she'd convinced herself no meds would ever work and she tripped down her horrible spiral. Tale of Our American Association of Exorcists Certification Jordan Christian Ministries (located in Oklahoma) has an old abandoned Tripod site for the American Association of Exorcists, founded in 2003 by one Bill Jordan, R.N., Ph.D., D.Apol. I tried looking up "D.Apol," but all I got was that Dapol is a Welsh railway manufacturer, which can only lead us to conclude that exorcism and Welsh railways go hand in hand. Although skeptics charge that the hideous ghouls that haunt the tracks of Wales are merely hobos who have imbibed a bit too much moonshine. Google sleuthing also reveals that Bill Jordan founded the... you're going to love this... the "Christian Institute of Spiritual Warfare Training and Paranormal Investigations." I think the only thing you need to know about that one is helpfully written in their first divison's description: "1.) Christian Spiritual Warfare training, which trains Christians in Spiritual Warfare." Thanks! There are 19 courses you've got to take, and the tuition is 20 bucks for each course, for the audio cassette tapes' ''they'll send you. Exorcism must not pay as well as I imagined. Albeit, all you need to do to pass is score an 85% or higher on each course's exam, and I'm guessing they're already defunct, so we'll just be grading ourselves. And the exam questions are literally so loaded that you don't need to have listened to the tapes to understand how they'd want you to answer anyway. Under the "qualities of an exorcist" disclaimer section: "if one is considering this form of ministry because he/she thinks it 'would be neat to be able to contact and talk with demons,' he/she should definitely NOT choose this form of ministry. The last thing that demons want to do is havev a fireside chat or make friends with people." Dudes, if we wanted to be able to contact demons just to shoot the shit, we'd listen to Strawberry Shortcake CDs backwards. The funniest questions 'Course 1' '''6.) The best place to conduct an exorcism is:' a.) The exorcist's home. c.) A business office. b.) A church office. d.) In the middle of the street. 10.) Asking in prayer (just prior to the start of the exorcism) for the name of Christ to be glorified in Heaven and earth is of _____ importance. a.) Supreme. c.) Minimal. b.) Moderate. d.) No. 11.) The leading demon in a person demon possessed by multiple demons is called: a.) An apprentice demon. c.) The Strong Man. b.) The Boss. d.) The Big Shot. 12.) Demons of _____ and _____ are very powerful and may require fasting and additional prayer to force them to leave. a.) Cults, homosexuality. c.) Satanism, witchcraft. b.) Lust, anger. '' d.) Astrology, Mormonism.'' The demon of Mormonism must be the nicest damn demon you'll ever meet. It's most hateful bellowing will probably be on the level of "Don't drink coffeeeeee" 13.) If a person is demon possessed and you touch the body with the Cross or with Anointing Oil, demons will respond by: a.) Screaming out in pain. c.) Mockery. b.) Laughing. d.) None of the above. "What'll be next, Jesus? Pantene Pro V!?" 19.) Which is true of the client immediately after exorcism? a.) He may need to change his clothes due to perspiration, vomit, urination, or a bowel movement in/on his clothes. b.) He may need fluids and electrolytes replaced with fluids like'' Gatorade or Powerade.'' c.) He may need time to reorient and recompose himself. d.) He must not receive condemnation from the exorcist. e.) All of the above. f.) a, b, and c only. The medieval exorcists wailed for their want of Powerade 20.) The person cannot personally order or administer Dramamine or 'Meclizine (Antivert) for nausea or vomiting because: a.) It is considered to be "prescribing medications" and only an M.D. can do that. b.) If the client has an adverse reaction to the medication, he can sue the exorcist. Jesus can banish the demons with time, but nothing can quell the nausea of being around an exorcist. 22.) The person who just now accepts Jesus Christ as personal Lord and 'Savior is a _____ in the Christian faith. a.) Baby. c.) Adult. b.) Teenager. d.) Senior Citizen. 26.) People are preoccupied with the occult because: a.) There is a revolt against science and technology. b.) There is a spiritual vacuum in which people are forced to live. c.) There is a tremendous fascination with the mysterious and the occult. d.) There is an influence of eastern religions and parapsychology. e.) The Bible has been replaced as the authority in one's life. f.) All of the above. No, they're preoccupied with it because of how boring it is. 29.) True or False. Demons will not touch a Christian Cross. Therefore, the masturbation scene with a Crucifix in the movie The Exorcist could never happen in reality. 'Course 3' 01.) In 1964, British actor Peter Sellers had a NDE. followed by~ 02.) As a result of his NDE, Peter Sellers became a Christian and disbelieved in reincarnation. 08.) Jung, an atheist, event went so far as to blaspheme Jesus Christ by declaring himself to be equal to Christ. 32.) Major physiological changes from NDE and OBE experience include: a.) Reversal of the biological clock. b.) Increased allergies. c.) Presence of electrical sensitivity. d.) Increased sensitivity to light and noise. e.) The ability to heal. f.) All of the above. 38.) With many NDE's, the person is told that there has been a mistake and the person must return to his body as his time to die had not yet come. This is proof that God can make mistakes. 'Course 4: HALLOWEEN, WHOSE TRICK IS IT ANYWAY?' 01.) Halloween has its founding with the Celtic priests of Guruism (Hindu priests) around 500 A.D. in Thailand. 12.) Virgin daughters obtained from nearby homes were repeatedly raped by the Druidic priests before they were sacrificed to Baal. 13.) The Druidic priests ate the flesh of those they sacrificed. 20.) The "treats" the Druidic priests sought when they went door to door were humans to be sacrified. Considering we know next to nothing about the Druids, that might be a slight overstatement. 16.) Halloween arrived in America in 1492, compliments of Christopher Columbus. I'm certain Halloween was Columbus's number one priority 24.) The orange and black colors associated with Halloween has no connection with the occult. THIS IS ESSENTIAL INFORMATION FOR EXORCISTS 28.) During his six-year reign, Vlad the Impaler cruelly murdered at least ______men, women, and children. a.) 10,000 d.) 100,000 b.) 25,000 e.) 150,000 c.) 50,000 f.) 200,000 ESSENTIAL, ESSENTIAL INFORMATION 36.) Halloween serves as a serious catalyst and introduction into various avenues of the occult does Harry Potter!, especially to our children. Didn't have room for a HP question, eh? 'Course 5: The Ouija Board (OB): Harmless Parlor Game or Deadly Demonic Device?' Harmless demonic device!! 11.) Mrs. Pearly Lenore Curran had a 24-year interaction via the OB with a spirit named Patience Worth. 12.) Curran's spirit contact produced 4 million words, 5,000 poems, and 7 large books. 13.) Mrs. Curran was eventually able to reach 3,000 words/hour on the OB! And here I was thinking I'd have to write my own bestsellers. If Patience doesn't get herself a recently deceased agent, she's mine!! 27.) It is possible to go onto the internet and play an electronic version of the OB. This has very serious implications for children who surf the web! 29.) Some people use the OB for help with gambling tips. In doing so, they gamble their eternal souls. 36.) Tests performed on the OB indicate that there are no supernatural forces operating through it. 'Course 6: UFO's: The Occult Connection' 03.) Supposedly, documented UFO evidence goes back as far as _____ B.C. a.) 100 d.) 10,000 b.) 500 e.) 45,000 c.) 1,000 f.) 90,000 Yep, I'm sure people were documenting things in 90,000 BC. 04.) There is a written record of Egyptian Pharaoh Thutmos III (ca. 1600 B.C.) mentioning many cicrcles of fire in the sky which left a terrible smell in the air after they left. That's just Ra getting a little gassy in the morning. 17.) Actor William Shatner of "Star Trek" fame was once lost in a desert and received directions to safety from a passing UFO. 24.) UFO's cannot turn at right angles at 16,000 miles per hour. 27.) Poltergeist phenomena, a common occultic occurrence, is correlated with UFO flaps. They've hit a deal, they have 30.) There is one recorded incident where 2 men kept in contact with Martians through an Ouija board and a 2-way radio. 37.) If an extraterrestrial were to step out of a spaceship with "answers to the world's problems," he would probably be accepted and even worshipped as some kind of messiah. Such a "messiah" could easily be a "Space Brother" to help the Antichrist during the Tribulation Period. 'Course 7' 15.) Severe trial and tribulation occur: a.) For our good. b.) For God's glory.'' c.) To give Satan something to do.'' d.) Both a and b. 'Course 9' 10.) The soon return of Christ to earth can be seen in the present day decrease in activity of seducing evil spirits throughout the earth. 30.) Holiness is attributed to the Holy Spirit some _____ times in the Bible. a.) 50 d.) 200 b.) 75 e.) 300 c.) 100 f.) 500 JIS of the Week http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/Believer%27s%20Corner/Doctrines/demonology.htm : [[“When the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, seeking rest, and findeth none. Then he saith, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when he is come, he findeth it empty, swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh with himself seven other spirits more wicked than himself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first. Even so shall it be also unto this wicked generation.”]] : This is a truly amazing passage of Scripture. Why do demons walk in “dry places”? It's because that's where humans live. It is evident from these Scriptures that there are more demons than victims, for the Bible says this demon had a difficult time finding a body to possess. Thus, we see the vulnerability of those who open themselves up to demonic possession. There are demons waiting in line to move into the body of those who are unsaved and vulnerable. What about people who live in places that aren't dry, like Bangladesh, or Ireland? Jesus it must be cramped inside the soul of a possessed person. But then, I suppose each spawn of Satan has to pay less in spiritual rent every time the victim swears or spittles or head-spins. In any case, Lucifer should really consider downsizing his workforce.' How hard must it be to get all these foul, mercernary, and indulgent imps to agree to room together and infest a single dude up on boring old Earth--a dude who will probably get saved eventually anyway--when they could be having the time of their lives upending pianos made of pitchforks on Mother Teresa down in hell? : One of the most common avenues of demon-possession is alcohol and drug abuse. In fact, the Old Testament Hebrew word for “sorcerer” is the same root word from which we get the modern term “pharmacy.” Yeah huh, and...? Spitoons were considered fucking sorcery at one point. : Demons, drugs and alcohol are synonymous, just ask any woman who's ever been addicted to heroine or cocaine, who prostitutes herself out for $1,000 per night, to support her drug addiction habit. Only they can testify as to the demonic powers they witness before their eyes, and the power of Satan over their life. The answer is not rehabilitation, reformation, nor education; but regeneration through faith in Jesus Christ. What if you've only got a slight buzz? Does that mean a demon is only just teabagging your soul? Also, you make it seem like you have tons of first-hand experience with 1,000 dollar whores, but then that couldn't be true... no way you'd have that much cash on you, Davey. I realize you're probably one of those fringe idiots who thinks Jesus turned the water at the wedding into O'Doul's or some shit, but come on man, the goddamn ''Eucharist. THAT WINE IS HIS BLOOD, take it in memory of him. That's not something somebody who hates regular drink would even come close to saying.'' : First, an unsaved person who is ignorant of the Scriptures and worldly is vulnerable to Satan. *The Bible says the demon came back to the struggling addict and found his soul EMPTY. The Holy Spirit of God lives within the body of the believer, and so it is not empty. The first step to overcoming addiction and demon-possession is to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as one's Savior from the curse and stronghold of sin. That's why almost everybody in non-evangelical Protestant Christian countries' (i.e., the entire fucking world) is currently writhing in the floor playing some mean seven-demon sax.'' Wouldn't that be the logical conclusion here? If this statement held water, DJ, honeybunch, it'd mean society on a global scale would crash into total ruin as everyone stripped buck and sprinted towards the nearest grandmother's grave. *The Bible says the demon came back to the struggling addict and found his soul ''SWEPT''. This is education, reformation and rehabilitation, which cannot substitute regeneration (being born-again). The Word of God is the Sword by which we can defeat Satan in our lives (Ephesians 6:17). The Word of God is the Seed by which we are born-again (1st Peter 1:23). YHWH: Hey Jesus, should I make it so that education, reformation, and rehabilitation can ward off evil demons? Jesus: BUT I WANT SOULS, DADDY, I WANT TO BE WORTH SEVEN DEMONS OF LODGING SPACE IN EVERY SOOOOUL YHWH: All right, hell, fine. But from an ethical viewpoint--'' ''Jesus: SOOOOOOOOOOUULLLLSSSSSS YHWH: But--'' ''Jesus: *Hannibal Lecter tongue thing* thp-thp-thp-thp-thp *The Bible says the demon came back to the struggling addict and found his soul '' GARNISHED'' (with fava beans, I bet). The demon comes back and finds his former dwelling place decorated and ready to move in. This is worldliness. The person whose soul loves the sinful world is a demon's delight. But the demon comes back in a pack of 7, right? What if the demons can't agree whether the victim should prioritize shoving roadkill into a soup kitchen pot, focus on setting fire to oil spills, or watch one more episode of Married: With Children? Say one demon wants to interior decorate their new soul-digs, but another can't stand the bouquet of gardenias by the door, and yet another takes to hideous screeching just to slight little Screwtape as he tunes into New Kids on the Block. FORSAKEN SATAN, SATAN Not exactly very coordinated corruption, is what I'm saying. Now imagine the shmuck whose poor soul housed Legion. : '''Second, the demon brings additional spirits with him that are more wicked than himself. Thus: * *: Some demons are more wicked than others. *: Evidently the first demon was upset that he was evicted, which is the addict trying to clean up their life, and now the demon wants to reclaim his territory with a vengeance. By bringing more demons, it will be much harder to break the addiction, which is exactly what the Bible teaches... “''and the last state of that man is worse than the first.” ''This is addiction to sin, enslavement and bondage. 2nd Peter 2:19b, “''For of whom a man is overcome, of the same is he brought in bondage.” ''So, some demons are more wicked than others, eh? MEANWHILE, IN THE THIRD RING "All right, Mesistopheles Jr., we'll give you backup this time, but, just for your evaluation, did you manage to make the victim do anything evil while you were behind enemy lines on your own? "Sure did, Most Wicked Limbaugh! This one time, I nearly choked myself radiating pure malevolence inside her brain, and she actually ''checked herself in the mirror! Painted whore! She was probably turning tricks for thousand dollar bills later that night, but I'd passed out from exertion."'' "Sorry, kid, anything short of ''Exorsisty ''shenanigans and it's an F this time, ya hear?" "WAIT! I also got her, a ''girl, to poop!!'' "NOW we're talking, Jr.!" By the way, in hell "Limbaugh" is a title, not a name. : Demons often return to their former victims. *It is important to understand that once a person has had demons in their life, those demons will target that person and keep coming back until that soul is delivered by the transforming power of the Gospel and obedience to the Word of God. Here's a fantastic solution. Why doesn't God just kill the damn demons? I mean, I get that that wouldn't stop people from sinning to begin with, but it ''would stop sinners from suffering so harshly, so arbitrarily.'' So I put that question to you, Jesus. Stuffy apologist: Yes, well, hmmm, I'm a stuffy apologist, and, yes, hmmm, I'll be answering for our LORD and messiah, since his eminent ubiquitousness is busy coming up with totally different answers to tell other believers, quite directly. Yes, hmmmm, well, yes, hmmm. Maybe it's, uh, free will. I use that for everything! Dude, this is like the opposite of free will. Look, just get me Jesus, would you? Stuffy apologist:'' Yes, well, hmmm. Here he is now.'' Jesus, nice to meet you. Jesus: Peace, son. Great, thanks, question: Why don't you just kill the damn demons? Jesus: AH!...HOLY SHIT. I HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT!! *The Bible teaches in Matthew 12:43 that demons get frustrated, “''When'' the unclean spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry places, '''seeking rest, and findeth none'.” The Bible does not mean physical rest for demons from labor; but rather, the contentment that a demon finds from having a home, a human body, to dwell in. Just as every person desires to have “a place to call home,” so it is with demons. A demon without a human body to dwell in is like a bird without a nest or a fox without a hole. It is very interesting, and evil, that the author of '' The Golden Compass, portrays children in the movie as being sick because they've lost their demon. The word demon is mentioned over 50-times throughout this children's movie. It is utterly evil.' ''Lol @ "it is very interesting, and evil, that..." Moreover, what is with your obsession with word counts, Stewart? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, goddamn, holy fucking goddamn shit on a motherfucking shit Christ, cock balling vagina fetus jizz glaciers on a tectonic plate of seven demon abortion fests are your word counts excessive. Acts 19:14-16, “And there were seven sons of one Sceva, a Jew, and chief of the priests, which did so. And the evil spirit answered and said, Jesus I know, and Paul I know; but who are ye? And the man in whom the evil spirit was leaped on them, and overcame them, and prevailed against them, so that they fled out of that house naked and wounded.” : Notice that the young men ended up naked and wounded. Nudity, insanity, masochism, sadism and transgendered tendencies are all inherent to demonism. We hear of many young people these days self-mutilating themselves, piercing various different body parts (including their genitals), receiving tattoos from head-to-toe and scaring of the body as a form of so-called art (called “scarification”). It is demonic in nature. He's just playing whack-a-mole at this point. What do ANY of those things have to do with the quoted passage? Is he saying that, upon seeing the victim, seven sons of Sceva were suddenly overwhelmed with kink? Well, that IS interesting and evil. I'd also like to know how it is the seven sons of Sceva ALL managed to become naked during their short scuffle with the possessed dude. I've heard of http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ClothingDamage, but somehow I don't think this was intended as fanservice. Maybe the seven demons popped out of the guy's fists into each of the seven sons, and as the demons scrabbled their way into their brains, their garments were torn to shreds. That's got to be embarrassing for a chief priest! Moving right along to our JIS highlight : A common denominator between the occult, witchcraft (whether Celtic or Wiccan) and Satanism are sexual sins and nudity. When Peter was fishing naked and then saw Jesus, he immediately grabbed his fisherman's coat and jumped into the sea (John 21:7). Jesus is the cure for nudity. ' ''I think I just read the best thing ever. As we all know, sexual sins involve yellow raincoats more often than not, and what else would a naked fisher have on him? Man is Jesus demanding, first he wants us to put him inside us, now he wants us to wear him as the cure for nudity? Talk about clingy. Besides, I'm not sure I want a personal relationship with someone who doesn't want to see me go fishing in dress as raw as my bait. Though perhaps Jesus is prescient on this matter, seeing as dangling a hook next to another dangly bit does pose a bit of a health risk. From the last episode's bit about how the Pope's finger bling depicts Peter at his baddest ass, plucking fish out with his bare hands while aboard a small skiff: Jesus may be the cure for nudity, but if I want the cure to lameness it's not Jesus I'm praying to, it's fucking Peter. I bet while he was hanging on the crucifix upside-down during his martyrdom at the Circus of Nero, he was still fishing at his favorite spot by the Palestinian coast a hundred miles away using another appendage entirely. Who knew Leviathin could be caught and cooked in a single stroke? The only reason the Dead Sea is so barren is because Peter bothered to apply himself that day. Peter could multiply his fishes faster with a basket than Jesus could with God magic. Petey only failed at standing on water that one time because ''he realized from the motion of the waves that there was a single fish left in the world he hadn't caught; he surfaced within a minute, killer whale in hand. And he only repudiated Jesus three times after the Son of Man and Cure for Nudity was being pissy about his loincloth of fish.''